Adult children face pressure to loan money for parents
17 posts across 6 communities in the last 60 days; 47% from r/personalfinance.
“Sorry, I misread. But seeing that she knows the position your mother has put you in, it's entirely possible that she will understand that you are out of options, and you cannot sit back and let your mother continue to blow up your whole life.”
“My parents are currently in the process of buying a car, and the credit union requires my mom to provide her employment status. My mom is unemployed and relies on my dad for financial support. The main issue is that my mom is in the U.S. with me, while my dad is overseas…”
“I’m really sorry to read how much stress this has caused you. I do understand why you’d want to help your mother. But there’s a saying: You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your first step has to be getting the $8,000 in credit card debt paid off. That is…”
Several users describe feeling pressured by their mothers to take out loans, with one user detailing a history of manipulation and financial exploitation. Others caution against lending money to family members due to potential emotional and financial consequences.
SOURCES (32)
“My parents want me to give them money because they helped me get a car. I won't say how much for personal reasons, and they expect me to give them the money which is not in my budget because I have high debt that I…”
“Stop protecting your mother. She committed fraud. Either you make a police report and let her face the consequences or you pay off the loans that are in your name. [re: Mom took out 22k or loans in my name]”
“Feeling guilty is natural. It doesn’t mean you’re going to step up and fix her mess. She has options but refuses to follow through.”
“> mortgage that’s both costing her in interest alone $300 A DAY. that’s like $3000 a month not including daily No that is $9000 a month”
“What is the goal/purpose of attempting to do the transaction in this way? Why would you prefer to do this instead of just transferring funds into an account already in her name?”
“If you are willing to keep supporting her: Take a look at her finances, see how much she has, how much she needs each month and whether she can find a job. Then decide on an amount you feel confortable giving each month or so. If she ever needs more than what was agreed you refuse to give. If you aren't willing to support her anymore (and really no one here can judge you for doing that), then rip the band-aid off and stop giving her money, otherwise it won't stop.”
“I don't like some things my parents have done in my life but I can honestly say that they've always done it with what they believe my best interests are. Some people's parents are just terrible man. Literally just committed fraud and robbed OP of 500 plus interest.”
“So to play the other side, if you want to loan them money, attach strings. If you have time, go through their bills. Write a budget, and figure out how much they can afford. And that you'd help pay assuming they send you the right amount each paycheck. Its a lot of work, but if you want to help, youll need to go through the trouble of making sure its spent where it needs to. You know better than most how just giving them money isnt going to solve their money issues.”
“Background: Im 27 y/o, my mom is in her late fifties. So I have been through alot regarding my family, Went through a five year narcissistic relationship with my ex, where she was cheating on me, lying to me and hooking up with others for money behind my back. She turned my mom against me, when my mom decided to let her live with them when we werent even together anymore, for my daughter though because my daughter was 1 years old, which I understand that, but I was literally homeless sleeping in”
“This, don't know about the amounts as I am not american but I am in a similar situation. The advice from the banks was for paperwork purposes (and if she has any siblings) not to pay directly on the loan but to wire the money to me. Not needed but good for documentation, in my country a note can be added to the wire which will show up if needed later. This is the cleanest way.”
“First it's not your responsibility to furnish life for the woman he chose, I would express with sympathy the financial drain this is having on you and that you would like them to help on some way lesson the burden so that he can also finish his college. Boundaries are very helpful in life. Set some with the hours they are able to call, turn the ringer down after that hour. It is extremely difficult but it's needed. Give them a little less than what they ask for perhaps you make the rent”
“May be unsolicited…. But…. it’s a bit of a red flag to hear how your mom is controlling your money as a 19 year old”
“This really put a lot into perspective for me. I don’t want a relationship with her. I cut her off 3 years ago. Her mom was really shitty to me on the phone today; yelled at me and told me to be an adult and take it bc parents screw their kids over financially & then she hung up; i didn’t get a word in. Idk if my mom twisted events to cause this”
“Sorry, I misread. But seeing that she knows the position your mother has put you in, it's entirely possible that she will understand that you are out of options, and you cannot sit back and let your mother continue to blow up your whole life.”
“You sound mostly torn about holding her accountable. I’m sorry you’re in this spot. It adds so much complex feelings when it’s family. If this were a random person who took out loans and refused to pay them, in your name, what would be a reasonable response to that person?”
“I can definitely see this working for a parent/kid situation, but getting a loan from an stranger or someone you just know, I feel like can get iffy. Also, in your case, you maybe fine with your money being tied up in a house for 20 years because it is your daughter, but for an stranger lending, I always wonder about the exit clause. I really find it hard to believe an stranger is going to tie up possibly hundred's of thousands of dollars in a property for 30 years, at an interest lower than”
“My parents are currently in the process of buying a car, and the credit union requires my mom to provide her employment status. My mom is unemployed and relies on my dad for financial support. The main issue is that my mom is in the U.S. with me, while my dad is overseas working. My mom has a pretty high credit score (790–800). Will we still get approved for the car loan? submitted by /u/InvestmentPuzzled629 [link] [comments]”
“You should probably try to seperate yourself financially from your mother as much as possible. You shouldn't be feeling the pressure of her $500 car payment.”
“You enabled a lot of bad behaviors here by being rhe wallet. She needs to be self sufficient, not counting on you to cover bills. If things are working, why would she change? This business focus is bad. She has poor decision making and you want her to try to run something? No no no. As for her spending, I fear part of it is that you're her child, so she refers to older (than you) family as being wiser. She's wrong, but that's likely what she is doing. The other aspect is hole filling”
“The way I read it makes it sound like OP will get the growth, OP's mom is trying to be nice and let him get a bit of extra money before she needs the money.”
“Hi! I owe my mom a total of $16,000. She lent me 10k for grad school and another 6k for another expenditure. She’s told me to not pay her back immediately but to invest the funds somewhere so when she retires, in about 8 years, there will be growth of the money instead of sending her monthly payments now. I was thinking about a HYSA, but also wanted to see if anyone had any other recommendations? I did see some sources recommend CDs, but I would have to do more research. Thanks! submitted”
“Also keep an eye on your credit score. Make sure she isn’t opening loan accounts in your name when you turn 18 (or whatever the age for credit cards is in your area.)”
“You owe her nothing. Giving in enables her. Your parents also owe her nothing. Her husband though? Yeah, he needs to do something. Same goes for your brother. Focus on you. If you’re the black sheep, embrace it and the freedom that comes with it.”
“I’m really sorry to read how much stress this has caused you. I do understand why you’d want to help your mother. But there’s a saying: You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your first step has to be getting the $8,000 in credit card debt paid off. That is costing you money that you can’t use to help yourself or anyone else. You have to get your own feet under you before you can lift anyone else. Your family probably can’t understand your situation or help. Their advice is i”
“Do not take out any loan you can't pay back on your own. They will not help you pay it back. I help out my mom but she doesn't talk to me like that either. I don't think she would even if we were having a fight. I really don't think your mom deserves your help after treating you like that.”
“I don’t mean to hate on you or anything, I just think that family stuff is less of a logical problem an more of a feeling problem, you do you though”
“Well, for what you’re saying here they’re not gonna pay you if that’s what you’re asking, but only you can decide if you want to help them or not, certainly asking strangers from the internet is not the way to go really.”
“absolutely not! you’re your own person. who does your mom think she is degrading you and asking for money at the same time…? think about it as if she was one of your friends or just a random person asking for this money. would you give it to her after she guilt tripped you and manipulated you by calling you a horrible person and daughter? do not!!!!!!!! i started this way with my mom and it ended up with her taking advantage of me and taking over $30k without my knowledge across 3-4 years :) foc”
“So the person who calls you a horrible daughter and a horrible person and doesn't want to speak to you actually expects you to take on financial obligation and give them the money? This is a level of narcissistic stupidity that just makes my hair hurt. Why on Earth would you even want to fund her move into your physical area? You'll just get more abuse and more hatefulness when you don't fork over every penny you make to keep her in the style to which she thinks she should be accusto”
“To cut things short my mom 43 yr F has been struggling since the death of my little sister in 2023 and the loss of her job In 2024 I became a nurse and have been helping her, but to no avail since now I’m paying for my own stuff from helping (just credit card). My family is in Spain and my mom wants to get her citizenship and leave . My family is pressuring me and asking me to take out a big loan, they even told me they would help a bit with it (which I’ll be honest, I doubt it) I went to see my”